Have you ever told yourself, it doesn’t matter, even though it matters terribly? I’m saying that now, and beginning to actually believe it…one can only go on so long making excuses for another person’s behavior before you just throw your hands up and say, oh well, we’re at it again, I see.
I know a woman I’ve been making excuses for, and looking the other way about it, for years. She has said and done the most disappointing things, and has been doing this for most of her adult life. It began in 1991, well long before that really, but I became aware of it then. I just couldn’t figure out why some people I knew very well began acting so strangely. Now she is doing it again, but because the internet is readily available, she is using it like a butcher knife and ripping through lives (mine and a few others) having a nasty little tantrum — but sharing it with the world. What this sad person doesn’t understand is that the reflection of her deeds only brings shadows and darkness directly against her own soul.
Why does she do this? I don’t really know, and although I know her better than anyone, I have never figured this, twist to her personality, out. She has done it to others, and to me repeatedly. There is a nastiness in her core that she has allowed to grow, has used against others – but what she gains by this is so small, and that is where I lose comprehension of the sense of it.
Now I am going to go make some art, and in the making of that art I will completely forget about everything else, and life will go on, as it always does.
I will remember that I have a joy that runs through my life, like a river, powerful and true. I have other gifts and other loves that inspire and enrich, and protect me.